Monday, August 19, 2013

Back to School

So, I'm back to the grind again. I've decided to go back to college, and today is the first day. So far, so good. Not a lot of classes, most of them look like a lot of fun, and I'm excited to get a few more under my belt before getting married and having kids. It's awesome the the government is paying for all of it, which means that I'll have a new computer by Christmas!
I have a job, back to working at the library. This is the best job in the world, literally. If only they employed me full time! But the hours are good, and I'm only coming onto campus 3 times a week, which will really help with gas.
I'm part of the journalism group this semester, so y'all will bee seeing some of the introspective articles I get to write!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Wedding Plans

So, I'm getting married. Yeah, me?! Anyhow, I spent all last night thinking about where to go. I have an itinerary planned for the most part now: that is, I know where I want to eat and sleep. That's what's important, right? I haven't told my fiancé about it yet, but he'll agree with me, because he's awesome. Of course, this should be obvious, because I'm marrying him.
I like to say that we picked the last day of summer for a good reason, but we didn't. We wanted to get married sooner rather than later, picked October 5th; but when the closest date before that was September 21, we said okay! I am excited, but according to some lists I still have 76 things to do. I keep meaning to lose a little weight, but somehow never get around to it. I've been dealing a lot with depression; but that's for a different post. Anyhow, back to our honeymoon.
We are just going to take 2 days in Dubuque, the crime capital of the Midwest. That's going to be exciting. But more seriously, I am excited to share wig home the choices I have picked out. I also can't wait to share it with you, my dear readers, after I get the thumbs up!
I know this is a crappy post, but I figured better something than nothing. His should help me get writing again.
Until next time!

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Hard Way

My mom always said I couldn't learn the easy way. By this, she meant that I would go through life, being naive, immature, and otherwise easily fooled. She also meant that I would have to experience things in order to learn them; I wouldn't believed that fire was hot until I touched it, or believe that people were sometimes mean until I was hurt by them. All in all, that has worked out for me. Sure, I didn't have many friends, I've been naive, but not immature. My naturally trusting nature makes it easier to give others the chance to redeem themselves, and although I've been burnt too many times to count, and it's very hard for me to make friends that I can actually trust, I don't regret allowing others as many chances as possible.

But I am sometimes pretty stupid. And everything I've written here is just a preface to the worst story ever. Just be aware, this blog is called Dramatic Anti-Climax for a reason... I can't create funny endings.

I grew up hating apples. Bananas were the perfect fruit for a while: the peel doesn't make your fingernails a different color, there's no juice to cause a mess and need a napkin, you don't need to wash them before you eat them. They cut up nicely, and they taste great with chocolate. Then I graduated to grapes. They also don't need to be washed because they're clean enough from the store. They don't need to be peeled. And even though there is juice, they are small enough to just pop in your mouth, thus quenching thirst without excess dribbling down your chin.

But apples aren't any of these. They have to be washed, their skin bruises easily. They are an awkward shape, and when you bite into them, your mouth opens wide in a weird manner, and the juice runs all over. Then you get to deal with a core, which you can bite into the bitter seeds, or get stuff in your teeth. I hated apples. Until I discovered this gadget. It deserves the best invention since sliced bread award. It rivals my favorite invention, the Apple Company. Just look:
The Amazing Apple Corer
Although apples are not my favorite fruit (grapes still take the cake), they are now not on the hate list. They rank higher than oranges and peaches. All because of this contraption.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Desperate Scream

What is wrong with me?
Why do I take so many medicines?
What the Hell IS WRONG WITH ME?

Why do I cry to God in vain?
Why does he not see my agony?
Is it for my sins that I now pay?
This is Hell on Earth, no one takes it away. 

Am I psychotic? Insane? A criminal? A fraud?
Am I making up the vomit, the pain, the anguish?
Why am I dizzy, so tired, so weak?
Why is no one hearing my desperate scream?

Like Javert, I reach and fall.
Like him, the night grows ever near.
Will I follow in his footsteps
And wish to end it all?

Eli, Eli, lamma sabacthani me?

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


So, I used to write a lot of poetry, and while I'm not Shakespeare, T.S. Eliot, or Alexander Pope, it's been called a good beginning, and I've been told that with commitment and practice I could be good. Without further ado, here are three pieces I wrote last Friday. Like Emily Dickinson's, they are on scratch paper.

Maybe Some Hope

There is something in the way
A diamond catches the eye
That gives me hope.

There is something in the smile
Of a friendly passerby
That gives me hope.

There is something in the rain
And a rainbow in the sky
That gives me hope.

And there is something in the voice
Of a loved one not near by
That gives me hope.

Creation and Vocation

O, to write a book,
Create a new dimension
Where knight fight off dragons
And people talk to snails!

O, to have a family,
Create a new direction,
Where parents are inspired
By their children's imagination!

O, to find a path
Create a thoughtful yearning
Where students come in cold
But leave the room, burning!


Is it so wrong
To love one person,
But also wish
That bond was broken?
Isn't it possible
To have conflicting dreams;
Both are valuable,
And each one in reach.
But to follow them both
One person is not able,
For the paths that lead
Are their own antonyms.
How can one want
Both fame and seclusion?
Wealth and poverty
Come never together.

So, enjoy. Feel free to ask questions! These are in the order that I wrote them. Can you tell that as the night wore one, I grew more tired and (dare I say it) hopeless? At least I started in a good place!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Reach for the Stars

What is it that I really want out of life? What would I attempt to do if I know I could not fail?

I read the above questions from a handout that I received from my therapist, and I thought I may share my exercise, in hopes of provoking you, my readers, to do the same.
I have three major dreams; the first, to be an amazing actress. I know there is a place for a Catholic, modest, not beauty-model actress in Hollywood, but I am too shy to look for it. I was cast into a lot of main/ important parts in my school plays, and I have always enjoyed acting. I personally feel that I'm amazing mostly because of my practice. I have successfully fooled most of my family and friends, most of my life. I'm still pretty good at portraying different personas around different groups of people, and very few people know the "real me". I had my family convinced that I loved hot sauce/food, coffee, and hated sewing; in fact, I hate hot food, coffee makes me sick, and although I'm not good at it per se, I do find sewing and experimenting to be fun and relaxing.
My second dream is to be an awesome writer. That is why I started this blog. I do have a great imagination: I use it often to imagine the worst possible outcome of any action, and that makes me scared to do anything, but also to not do anything. It's a catch -22. Back to the main point, I love doing research, I love writing, and I want to get into the habit of doing it, which is why I started this blog. (You are all my guinea pigs *cue evil laugh*). I have some plans on how I'm going to do it: starting with this blog, I'm going to branch out into a blog about creating an inexpensive, beautiful wedding (when I get engaged). That will branch off into children. Then maybe I finish my children's book series, start a short story and poetry anthology, and then write my masterpiece: I'm not going to say what it's about, because it's too good an idea.
My last great dream is to be a mother. The reason this is a great dream, is because it is in conjunction with the above two dreams. I want to be hands-on, frugal, funny, supportive. I really want to home-school my children, but at the very least, they will have to have "supplemental education": extra workbooks on the weekend, great literature during the summer, trips to the library, stuff like that. It doesn't sound as intense in my head.
I have a lot of secondary dreams: be a good photographer, sing well, be a good cook, develop some apps. But those I could never make an actual living at, for the one reason that while these things attract me, they come in "seasons", and I would never want to be a full-time photographer, singer, cook, or developer. I couldn't do them full-time, because I don't want to. I have some tertiary dreams too, the ones that seem more in reach, like being a high school counselor, a blogger, or a mother. And I am going to be happy doing all these things, because I have always grown up "making the best of it", and not in a martyr's way. I have always been truly happy with decisions that may have been made for me. For instance, living in France for a year, not seeing any family. That was really hard, but in the end, I was happy there, and I'm happy with the decision to go there.
So in the end, even if we should still reach for the stars, aspire to our dreams, I think it is equally important to teach ourselves how to make each decision your own, how to be happy wherever one may be.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Brideshead Revisited

I know what it feels like
To be all alone,
To be that great unique
That is Sebastian's goal.

I know what it feels like
To be single in a crowd,
To struggle contra mundum
And give Aloysius all your love.

I know what it feels like
To wish for escape,
To need the solidarity
Of a goose formation in Flyte.

This is a different work for me. It take references from my favorite character in one of my favorite books. Right now, I'm feeling a lot like he does, although I'm not yet driven to strawberries and the family champagne. Read the book and you'll know what I mean.
I used to write a lot of poetry, and lately I've been alone enough to start it again. I'm sure it's not the end.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Why Reach for the Moon?

"It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around" (Love Actually).

In our course of day-to-day living, most people forget about the good in it, and when asked "what did you do all day", usually answer with the catastrophes and mishaps of the day. The cat threw up, the dishwasher broke, I've been tired, work was hard, the computer was slow: the litany goes on and on. Only the optimistic and the hopelessly romantic actually constantly see the good in life. I'm not saying that no one ever sees any good. But those people who see a silver lining in every cloud, those who see a romance in every snowfall, those who see the endless possibilities of living, will always see the good in life.
You can identify these people as those who answer the above question with, oh, the cat slept on my feet, the dishes got clean, I stayed awake all day, work was gratifying, I had time to do things because the computer was slow: their litany, too, will go on and on. They will not see a silver cloud and put a grey lining in it, they will not see the horror in every snowfall, they will not put limits on what they can or can't do. 
Adventure is everywhere, and it is never too late to do anything. Grandma Moses, that famous painter, had a rewarding 20 year run: but she began when she was 79, when her hands couldn't hold the needle anymore. My life has a long time, and it is possible that I still become that famous writer, or actress, or singer, that I see in myself. The sky is not the limit: my limit is infinite, and I am going to act on that today.

Monday, February 18, 2013


What I remember from yesterday... wanting popcorn, eating, and Identity Thief.
So, it's Monday, and I feel like I have a hangover. I don't, I swear... I had less than two gulps of wine yesterday at Olive Garden. What really happened was that I got up at 7 pm Saturday night, worked 11 hours, then went home, got all gussied up, and went on a date with my boyfriend. It was all supposed to work out beautifully...
I'm going to have a relaxing day. Olive Garden? I've been looking forward to their three course dinner for weeks, if not months. I even know what I want. I've been counting calories, and I have enough not to care what I eat tomorrow. Unlimited soup and breadsticks, here I come! And Safe Haven, that can't be too bad. After all, Josh Duhamel is in it... We can eat, and then I will relax, and enjoy some well earned sweets. When we get home by 4 or 5, I can take a nap before watching The Good Wife and The Mentalist.
That's how it was supposed to work. I was going to be good. Then reality showed up.
I got home, but the Boyfriend wasn't ready. He had slept in (until 10, so he was refreshed and I was jealous), and he still needed to get a shower. After that, I got my hair done, but the first try didn't work out, so I had to curl my hair, cut my bangs, find some kind of jewelry and find something good to wear (this was our Valentine's Day, after all). When I came out, he still wasn't ready. So he got dressed, and we got on the road 2 hours later... 1 1/2 hours later than I wanted. (But don't tell him that). There was no way we were going to be able to eat before the movie started. Instead of Safe Haven, we got to see Identity Thief, which was much better, absolutely hysterical, and not Safe Haven (anything is better than another Nicolas Sparks movie). Lots of candy and a few hours later, we were on our way to Olive Garden. I quickly ordered a Diet Coke (no calories, but lots of caffeine), ate one bowl of soup and one breadstick, yawned my way through half my plate of ravioli, and went to sleep in the car while Matt picked up the desserts (to go), payed the bill, and came to drive to Menards. All thought of even attempting to go food shopping was out. We arrived home at 6:30 pm, and I took my hair down (the second highlight of the day), got dressed for bed, and went to bed. And I slept until 4:45 this morning, when I was so hungry I ate my leftovers from the day before.

I love Mondays.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Chicken/Tuna Roulette

Can you tell which one's the chicken, and which is tuna?
Everyone hates Mondays. Including me. But Mondays aren't actually the worst day of the week. For me, that's Wednesdays. Because it holds the tantalizing hope of the middle of the week, and the realization that there is still half a week left to suffer from. This problem can be characterized as the glass half full (optimist) vs. the glass half empty (pessimist). And I'm very much a pessimist. For me, Mondays still have that refreshment of the weekend. Sure, it's hard to go back to work for most people, but I am still stimulated by the weekend energy. I don't spend Sundays having lots of fun, instead, I usually stay in my pj's and watch TV. And sleep, play on my computer, and otherwise just relax. So I'm well- rested and ready for work.
Beef. Because Chickens can't spell.

But by Wednesday, all that's changed. I look on the past week, and I can only think that I still have 1/2 a week to go. And on Monday, the house is full of food; we go shopping on the weekend. By Wednesday, I'm trying to figure out why the good, easy stuff is gone, and what to make that doesn't include chicken or tuna. Also, the canned vegetables and soups in the cupboard. Should I make a menu for each week? Sure. Do I? Heck, no. That would mean planning ahead, being responsible, avoiding some terrible fate of chicken and green beans. I'm too busy enjoying the chicken/tuna roulette.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Valentine's Day (And Other Major Holidays)

I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day this year. No pressure, no one to please but myself. I could probably co-erce my cat to spend most of the day snuggled up with me. You know, if I tie her with my scarf to my body. That's totally fine, right? She loves it. I swear she does. But I have to work that night, so I have the right to just sleep. Valentine's Day is postponed until Sunday for me, and fortunately we don't have much planned. Safe Haven is playing, Olive Garden is calling, and my diet is going to have a great break.
On another note, today was Fat Tuesday, or as the French say in English, Fat Tuesday. Mardi Gras. I had a great day. My day started with cleaning bathrooms and mopping floors... but I got a lot of exercise in, so I could indulge myself a little. Just missing the ice cream, but that's coming. Possibly on Thursday, but definitely on Sunday. I love the fact that Dubuque has a great movie theatre, an Olive Garden, and a COLD STONE CREAMERY!!! That's the best. Except for right now, with some pointless television on, my cat purring next to me on the couch (totally not coerced, seriously), and writing. I feel like writing a story right now. If you all like or comment on this post, maybe I'll put it up here.

One for the Road

I love driving. Everyone is so polite, no one flips you off. When you need to pass someone, they let you do it. When you drive, people are going close to the speed limit, not 20 mph over or under. They don't use their cell phones driving, they always look twice before turning, they don't beep at you if they think you aren't doing something right. Everyone uses their turn signals, no one stops abruptly. No one cuts you off in traffic. Everyone pays attention to the road. The police just wave as you pass them, because they are happy, donut-fed, and relaxed.
Oh, wait. That's just in my dreams. Yesterday driving home, it had snowed pretty bad, and my brakes are bad. Someone decided to stop abruptly, and the car in between us was able to stop. Me, not so much. I tried, I really did. But my car started sliding, and in order to avoid rear-ending the other car, I just slid into the oncoming lane and passed them. As I was passing, I got flipped off.
When I was learning how to drive, I used to get upset at people who passed me, especially when I was going 5 mph over the limit. Then my dad said, "Don't get upset. They may have somewhere important to go, and you aren't in the car, so you shouldn't judge them." And I have lived by this since then. Unless you're cutting me off, I let you go. Sometimes, I feel bad for going too slow for you. But I just wish this patience was reciprocated by others.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

First Sweepstakes!

So I am hosting my first blog sweepstakes. Here's the deal: if you win, you get a photograph taken by me, just for you. And I can sign it, if you want.

 Here's the rules:
1) Like me on Twitter or Facebook. Or both.
2) Create a logo for my site. Or give me an idea for one, with a sketch. I'll take pretty much any good idea and try to create it (but I prefer not to). It has to be original.

And that's pretty much it! Readers will get to vote for their favorite 5, and then I'll pick from there. When I get a winner, I'll send you an email, or message, for your address and your photo choice. Just remember, I can't travel the world, so the photo can be "sunset", but not, say, "sunset in Paris from the Eiffel Tower". Ok?  I wish you all the best of luck!

****Editor's Note****
I forgot to put a due date. The submissions are due March 7, 2013. So one month from today.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Famous Family

I'm a great fan of the Deschanel sisters. They are both funny, talented, and beautiful. My favorite is definitely Emily, but this is probably because I am definitely swayed by Dr. Temperance Brennan. Bones is awesome. I love that show. And the whole family is famous. I mean, I didn't think I knew anything about their parents, but then, I looked them up (thanks, IMDb!), and it appears I love most of their films. And these always bring up the question, nature or nurture? Did these two beautiful girls go into the showbiz because they were born to, or because they were conditioned to? I always argue in the face of both. Take my family, I am obviously an outlier (this is a word, dumb computer spell-check!), because I am brilliant and a girl, as opposed to my brothers, who are, well, boys. (Every woman knows that boys are stupid). I remember what an outlier is, thanks to my expensive Statistics class. But I digress.
My family has two sides, the classical, literary side, and the science, technical side. I am on the former. Totally. I'm no good at math or science; the only thing that stopped me from becoming a neo-natal nurse was because you would have to memorize 106 bone names. Or is it 107? Not to mentions all the 20 systems of the body. Like respiratory, or heart-a-tory, or the one with your skin. But History, English, the Languages, I can do that! And this goes to prove that it's nature, right? I mean, you're born with a "good at languages" gene, right? But that's science, and I know nothing about science.
But there are a lot of actors that don't have acting in their background. Take Evanna Lynch, the girl who plays Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter movies. She was just good. And determined (if you don't know her story, look it up). And this gives me hope for my children. They have a shot at celebrity. And they don't have to be tied to their roots. That's very important for me, because I value freedom and independence a lot. I hate having to answer to people, and I love just being able to do something, write something, without having to explain why I did what I did. And I want the same thing for my children.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

My Story: Part Three

So, I know I promised this a while ago. But my computer broke, so I had to track down the document on the Internet, and it took a little bit. But this last part is happy! It happened when I was finally starting to understand everything, right before I met my boyfriend, over a year ago. Sometime in October/ November of 2011. The original title was Amiability: A Friendly or Pleasant Manner. P.S. Part One, Part Two.

My story continues… My last story was pretty depressing, but this time I have something concretely happy to relate. First, a little history.
I was recently diagnosed with major depression, and not knowing what I had—my family thought that bipolar disorder was possible—did not help my view of the world around me.  I was ignoring my friends, having problems responding to anything around me, and desperately trying to make sense of everything that had happened in the past while seeking security for myself in re-planning my whole future; all without any knowledge of the problems, and therefore answers, solutions, and coping mechanisms. After the diagnosis, some things seem to have fallen in place: I am meeting with a good psychologist every week, and my first psychiatrist appointment is this Thursday; I have great hopes that medication will relieve some of my stress, and I will be able to learn coping skills quickly.
All that to preface my story…  One day, I was eating lunch with some friends. This was kind of weird for me, since I have never done this; I am a little shy, and often prefer to eat alone, letting me think things over: in my mind, this is good, but because I tend to over think things and cause more stress for me, it ends up being prohibitive. I had spent my “allowance” on clothes, and so I was digging the bottom of my purse for change in order to buy something light for lunch, and my friends thought that this was really funny. Eventually, I sit down and join them, and we have what in retrospect I can recognize as a normal conversation, interrupted by funny quips, jokes, and anecdotes. As I get up to leave, someone teases me, and I tease him back. Another friend gets up and tells me: “It’s good to see you so happy again; I haven’t ever seen you like this.” It was then that I realized how much my depression and normal shyness had interfered with my life; and I was glad that I finally had friends to take my mind off of things.
I used to wonder what “that kind of life” was like, and even though it took me 22 years, I’m finally starting to realize how fulfilling it can be.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Public Figures

I was listening to the radio on my way home tonight, actually listening, not just flipping channels for music to sing to, and it hit me: talk show hosts have the biggest egos ever! They seriously expect us to just sit back, listen to them, and accept their opinion. And we don't even know them. This isn't just talk show hosts, either.  This huge sense of entitlement extends to newscasters, television show hosts, writers, almost everyone in public. Politicians, for example. Can you imagine the audacity of these people to get up, and tell a nation that they are the best choice for everyone, that they know the best, the most trustworthy. I mean, the public is a very trusting entity. Why do we feel that public figures know best?
The best thing about this? I want to be one of them. So, everyone, Harrison for President 2016!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Guilty Pleasures: Part One

So we all have guilty pleasures. I'm going to dish on some of mine, one by one. The first one is Romantic Comedies. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THEM! I know that sounds pathetic. After all, they are all predictable. I can tell you exactly what happens in every one; the guy meets the girl. They date, fall in love. Something major happens (usually a secret that the guy should have revealed at the beginning, but he waits and she finds out by accident), and they split. Then a best friend (or group of them) work on the two. The guy's best friend sometimes goes to the girl and explains that it was all a misunderstanding. She forgives him, he forgives her, they get back together, and sometimes get engaged or married. Sometimes you see this as a "several months later" kind of deal. This is exactly what happens for 75% of romantic comedies. 20% of them are comedies about marriage, so they are slightly different. And 5% are totally unexpected, out-of-left field, brand new ideas.
My favorite romantic comedies are among the 20%. The ones about weddings. They are my weakness. Of course, there are some others. Like You've Got Mail and When Harry Met Sally. But my absolute favorite romantic comedies are The Wedding Planner, 27 Dresses, and Bride Wars. They are awesome. They are also the reason why I know so much about wedding planning. And they are the ones that will be played daily when I do have to start planning my own wedding, so I don't forget anything important. A wedding planner? No need.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Ultimate Goal

I love food. Who doesn't? I like learning how to cook, and I think I've done a lot of learning over the past years. My dad taught me how to cook when I was little, and my Grammy taught him. Growing up, I loved when Dad was home, or when Grammy and Grandaddy came to visit. The food that I learned how to cook was amazing, and I discovered one of my many non-talents! I often participated in the cooking activities in boarding school, and I payed attention to how the food was cooked for dinners and lunches. Then I went to Minnesota, and I was too poor to buy ready-made food, so I learned even more what it was to cook delicious food, and lots of butter was not always the answer. Traveling to France was the real opportunity for me though. I got a lot of kitchen experience, and learned how to love pâté, make crepes, and cook food that not only tasted good, but looked good too. Does anyone like my food? Not really, but at least I eat cheap and well. And I do love cooking, it relaxes me.
I've really been thinking about lobster though. I really want lobster. That Red Lobster commercial is going to be the death of me, it looks better and better every time it airs. Most foods go in cycles for me, mainly I think because growing up, we ate many of the same foods in schedules. Mom really doesn't like cooking, and she did mostly the same food week after week. Virginia Baked Ham, shaved, 1 lb. White American Cheese, sliced thin, 1/2 lb. Provolone Cheese, thin, 1/2 lb. That was lunch, every day, Monday through Thursday. And we enjoyed the same monotony for breakfast and dinner. For example, we had 4-6 different Sunday dinners, each in its own season. Spring, ham. Summer, steak. Fall, pulled pork. Winter, turkey. And we sometimes included chicken, kebabs, and brats. Never changing. And I really think this influenced the way I crave foods.
The only one that I never crave is ice cream. I can have that at any time, even if I just ate a filling meal. Ice cream is delicious. I tease my boyfriend by saying that although he is my world, so is ice cream. He's not jealous, luckily. Vanilla and strawberry are my favorite, with Oreo, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and Butter Pecan occasionally enjoyed. You know, I hate McDonalds, but they do cheap ice cream right. That soft serve, creamy, just enough for a special treat, is delicious. Saving the 75 cents once a week for a quick cone was my highlight this summer. If only they had the special year round!
Another food I love is cheese. But that's worth its own post.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Here's Part 1

So here's part 1 of my story. It's really bleak, and tomorrow I'll post the last part, Part 3. And hopefully after that I'll be blogging about stuff that you all really care about, the funny stuff. Here goes!

I have depression. Finding this out after many years of conflicting actions,
feelings, ideas, somewhat brings less clarity than one would suppose. Were my past
actions just the influence of this disorder? What about my feelings? What about the
future? What kind of help can I get in the future?
This is the story that I am going to try to write. I’m not much of a storyteller, but
maybe my story will be a little easier.
My life fell apart on May 29, 2011. After a huge fight with pretty much my whole
family, I rushed off in my car, spending all Sunday night and most of Monday away
from home. Sound like something a teenager would threaten to do? And yet, I’m no
longer a teenager. The confusion is all permeating… while I have gotten this angry in
the past, I never had the means to actually make good on my threats, and have
thereby calmed down faster. Also, these attacks have rarely been so out of control.
With a little music, a good book, and hot tea, my moods could readjust to normal, but it
seems that this does not help any longer.
Mom finally calls me, and I return home, where I cry and shower and sleep, not
necessarily in that order. Mom and I sit down, eventually, and she tells me what she
has been suspecting for a while: that I have bipolar disorder. My aunt’s husband also
has it, much worse than I do, and she recognized the signs, finally. At last, we had all
the clues, and my strange mood swings, which had been credited to immaturity, anger
management, or some kind of disease, now have their own name.
But how do I continue? Literally all of my plans have been overturned: I was
going to school for History, and trying to do it as cheaply as possible, so that I could
become a Dominican nun. With depression, I have too great and lasting an impediment
for that life, and my whole future falls apart. Will I become a teacher, a mom, an
actress, a writer, or (E) All of the above? I had so many fantasies, that I used to
daydream about; but now, these fantasies are suddenly more possible than ever, and
I can’t choose. Now I can afford to go to a better school after I transfer, because I’m
not so worried about loans and payments. But do I go visit other countries, like I’ve
always wanted to? Learn new languages? The book “Eat, Pray, Love” recently inspired
me: not Gilbert’s personal story, but the idea of travel to different countries, learning
languages, making friends. Maybe I can act: maybe this is my new dream, my new
future. What about the past? My wanting to be a Dominican was emphasized by my
ability to teach and my love for children. Can I become a wife and mother? Can I live
up to the high standards that I set?
My story is confusing, impossible to understand, not even much of a story. What
has it been? What will it become? I, and no one else, need to figure this out, and will,
soon, but right now, I just continue, trying to live day by day, trying to stop analyzing
the past, trying to not worry about the future, and learning about myself, who I am, all
over again.

Here's the link to Part 2.

Monday, January 7, 2013

BIG NEWS! I'm Famous, finally!

Well, maybe not just yet. But I wanted to let you all know that my name is getting out there.
You remember how I have depression? Well, way back when I was trying to figure out how to live, I started writing about what I was going through. And then, sometime later, this group asked for a line, a quote, something short to put in a pamphlet to raise awareness about depression. Well, I wanted to help, but couldn't think of anything short. So I sent some of my essays. And they loved it. And they asked if they could publish it as a blog post! So I gave them permission, and it's going to be published tomorrow (January 8th). Head on over to read it!
I'll be posting Part 1 here, before I link to Part 2. And maybe, I'll be famous by the end of the week.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


Well, the holidays are safely over. Everyone giving a special cheer right now? I sure am. I'm finally working, and looking to definitely be working, not training, by the middle of this month. YAY! I love training, because nothing can be really blamed on me, after all, I don't know all the tricks of the trade, all the people I need to know, how to deal with most of the situations (basically, I have the best, most plausible excuse in the world). But I also hate training, because I do like working, I do like figuring things out, I do like being the problem solver. As a trainee, no one knows how far along you are in training, so a lot is repetition. But a lot is also sometimes assumed. They assume you know everyone's name, you know what to do with your time. And usually, businesses schedule the people they need. No more, and usually no less. There are exactly enough people to get everything done. Add a trainee in there, and someone's just following the workers around, feeling like a fifth wheel. But I'm pretty sure I'll be done in a week or so.
Anywho, how was everyone's Christmas? Unnecessary question, right? I'm sure everyone's was peachy. That's my boyfriend's code for "nasty, but I really don't want to complain". It was different for me. I was just getting off of unemployment, so no money, and I didn't spend it with my family, but with my boyfriend's, which was obviously weird. It made me desperately homesick, really moody, and it was one of those holidays which didn't really feel like one. I just can't wait until we have a family, and can keep doing the traditions I'm used to, like shoes on the 6th, stockings, and Epiphany gifts, also on the 6th (December and January, respectively).
I know everyone says that Christmas is a child's holiday, but why must we wait for the drunkeness of New Year's Eve to have ours? I vote that adults get to participate in this children's holiday. I really couldn't care less how parents choose to present their gifts, but my family gets theirs from Mom & Dad, Grammy & Grandaddy, and we open gifts one at a time, in order of age. No one takes the spotlight, and everyone gets to be excited. Join me to take back the holiday!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Eat More Food?

Well, it's the New Year, and I am going to follow the traditional route of creating New Year's Resolutions (all caps, because they are sacred). Last year, I didn't. I read a lot about how you should only make resolutions you can keep, because if you don't, you can get depressed. So rather than make resolutions I couldn't keep, I didn't make any. This year, I have a different perspective. posted the 10 most popular New Year's Resolutions (Police State, anyone?). They include:
1.) Drink Less Alcohol
2.) Eat Healthy Food
3.) Get a Better Education
4.) Get a Better Job
5.) Get Fit
6.) Lose Weight
7.) Manage Debt
8.) Manage Stress
9.) Quit Smoking
10.) Reduce, Reuse, Recycle
Seriously? Make my life brighter.
Here is what I'm doing to put all of these resolutions into my life (well, with some minor modifications)
1.) Drink Alcohol (I just took out the less. Drinking is something I can commit to).
2.) Eat Food (Same as above. I can promise you, my readers, with eating food).
3.) Get More Education (I have a degree. I'm going to learn something this year, dimmit!)
4.) Have a Job (already done, and it's better than what I was going through last year.)
5.) Get Into Shape (Round is a shape. Right?)
6.) Weigh myself (I'm going to try to lose weight. But I'm not committing to it through New Year's Resolutions. That deserves a resolution in it's own category).
7.) Manage Debt (definitely).
8.) Manage Stress (already done. See resolution #1).
9.) Quit Smoking (I don't smoke, so this should be easy).
10.) Reduce, Reuse, Recycle (I do this whenever possible. That is, when it's easy. I'm going to try doing this at home, too)
Feel free to share your own list! I can't wait to see what happens at the end of the year. (Bwahaha, evil laugh).