The Hard Way

My mom always said I couldn't learn the easy way. By this, she meant that I would go through life, being naive, immature, and otherwise easily fooled. She also meant that I would have to experience things in order to learn them; I wouldn't believed that fire was hot until I touched it, or believe that people were sometimes mean until I was hurt by them. All in all, that has worked out for me. Sure, I didn't have many friends, I've been naive, but not immature. My naturally trusting nature makes it easier to give others the chance to redeem themselves, and although I've been burnt too many times to count, and it's very hard for me to make friends that I can actually trust, I don't regret allowing others as many chances as possible.

But I am sometimes pretty stupid. And everything I've written here is just a preface to the worst story ever. Just be aware, this blog is called Dramatic Anti-Climax for a reason... I can't create funny endings.

I grew up hating apples. Bananas were the perfect fruit for a while: the peel doesn't make your fingernails a different color, there's no juice to cause a mess and need a napkin, you don't need to wash them before you eat them. They cut up nicely, and they taste great with chocolate. Then I graduated to grapes. They also don't need to be washed because they're clean enough from the store. They don't need to be peeled. And even though there is juice, they are small enough to just pop in your mouth, thus quenching thirst without excess dribbling down your chin.

But apples aren't any of these. They have to be washed, their skin bruises easily. They are an awkward shape, and when you bite into them, your mouth opens wide in a weird manner, and the juice runs all over. Then you get to deal with a core, which you can bite into the bitter seeds, or get stuff in your teeth. I hated apples. Until I discovered this gadget. It deserves the best invention since sliced bread award. It rivals my favorite invention, the Apple Company. Just look:

The Amazing Apple Corer

Although apples are not my favorite fruit (grapes still take the cake), they are now not on the hate list. They rank higher than oranges and peaches. All because of this contraption.

A Desperate Scream

What is wrong with me?

Why do I take so many medicines?

What the Hell IS WRONG WITH ME?

Why do I cry to God in vain?

Why does he not see my agony?

Is it for my sins that I now pay?

This is Hell on Earth, no one takes it away. 

Am I psychotic? Insane? A criminal? A fraud?

Am I making up the vomit, the pain, the anguish?

Why am I dizzy, so tired, so weak?

Why is no one hearing my desperate scream?

Like Javert, I reach and fall.

Like him, the night grows ever near.

Will I follow in his footsteps

And wish to end it all?

Eli, Eli, lamma sabacthani me?

Poetry

So, I used to write a lot of poetry, and while I'm not Shakespeare, T.S. Eliot, or Alexander Pope, it's been called a good beginning, and I've been told that with commitment and practice I could be good. Without further ado, here are three pieces I wrote last Friday. Like Emily Dickinson's, they are on scratch paper.

Maybe Some Hope

There is something in the way

A diamond catches the eye

That gives me hope.

There is something in the smile

Of a friendly passerby

That gives me hope.

There is something in the rain

And a rainbow in the sky

That gives me hope.

And there is something in the voice

Of a loved one not near by

That gives me hope.

Creation and Vocation

O, to write a book,

Create a new dimension

Where knight fight off dragons

And people talk to snails!

O, to have a family,

Create a new direction,

Where parents are inspired

By their children's imagination!

O, to find a path

Create a thoughtful yearning

Where students come in cold

But leave the room, burning!

Dreams

Is it so wrong

To love one person,

But also wish

That bond was broken?

Isn't it possible

To have conflicting dreams;

Both are valuable,

And each one in reach.

But to follow them both

One person is not able,

For the paths that lead

Are their own antonyms.

How can one want

Both fame and seclusion?

Wealth and poverty

Come never together.

So, enjoy. Feel free to ask questions! These are in the order that I wrote them. Can you tell that as the night wore one, I grew more tired and (dare I say it) hopeless? At least I started in a good place!

Reach for the Stars

What is it that I really want out of life? What would I attempt to do if I know I could not fail?

I read the above questions from a handout that I received from my therapist, and I thought I may share my exercise, in hopes of provoking you, my readers, to do the same.

I have three major dreams; the first, to be an amazing actress. I know there is a place for a Catholic, modest, not beauty-model actress in Hollywood, but I am too shy to look for it. I was cast into a lot of main/ important parts in my school plays, and I have always enjoyed acting. I personally feel that I'm amazing mostly because of my practice. I have successfully fooled most of my family and friends, most of my life. I'm still pretty good at portraying different personas around different groups of people, and very few people know the "real me". I had my family convinced that I loved hot sauce/food, coffee, and hated sewing; in fact, I hate hot food, coffee makes me sick, and although I'm not good at it per se, I do find sewing and experimenting to be fun and relaxing.

My second dream is to be an awesome writer. That is why I started this blog. I do have a great imagination: I use it often to imagine the worst possible outcome of any action, and that makes me scared to do anything, but also to not do anything. It's a catch -22. Back to the main point, I love doing research, I love writing, and I want to get into the habit of doing it, which is why I started this blog. (You are all my guinea pigs *cue evil laugh*). I have some plans on how I'm going to do it: starting with this blog, I'm going to branch out into a blog about creating an inexpensive, beautiful wedding (when I get engaged). That will branch off into children. Then maybe I finish my children's book series, start a short story and poetry anthology, and then write my masterpiece: I'm not going to say what it's about, because it's too good an idea.

My last great dream is to be a mother. The reason this is a great dream, is because it is in conjunction with the above two dreams. I want to be hands-on, frugal, funny, supportive. I really want to home-school my children, but at the very least, they will have to have "supplemental education": extra workbooks on the weekend, great literature during the summer, trips to the library, stuff like that. It doesn't sound as intense in my head.

I have a lot of secondary dreams: be a good photographer, sing well, be a good cook, develop some apps. But those I could never make an actual living at, for the one reason that while these things attract me, they come in "seasons", and I would never want to be a full-time photographer, singer, cook, or developer. I couldn't do them full-time, because I don't want to. I have some tertiary dreams too, the ones that seem more in reach, like being a high school counselor, a blogger, or a mother. And I am going to be happy doing all these things, because I have always grown up "making the best of it", and not in a martyr's way. I have always been truly happy with decisions that may have been made for me. For instance, living in France for a year, not seeing any family. That was really hard, but in the end, I was happy there, and I'm happy with the decision to go there.

So in the end, even if we should still reach for the stars, aspire to our dreams, I think it is equally important to teach ourselves how to make each decision your own, how to be happy wherever one may be.

Brideshead Revisited

I know what it feels like

To be all alone,

To be that great unique

That is Sebastian's goal.

I know what it feels like

To be single in a crowd,

To struggle contra mundum

And give Aloysius all your love.

I know what it feels like

To wish for escape,

To need the solidarity

Of a goose formation in Flyte.

This is a different work for me. It take references from my favorite character in one of my favorite books. Right now, I'm feeling a lot like he does, although I'm not yet driven to strawberries and the family champagne. Read the book and you'll know what I mean.

I used to write a lot of poetry, and lately I've been alone enough to start it again. I'm sure it's not the end.